How to Support Your Friend Through a Miscarriage

Everyone deserves someone to honor their grief. Here are some suggestions for how to walk with people well through the heaviness of pregnancy loss.

If you’re new here, hello! I’m Olivia and I’m passionate about helping women live wholeheartedly. This is my little internet home where I write about faith, motherhood, creativity, and a dash of random fun. I’m glad you’re here and I hope you feel at home!

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2024 made me a member of a club I had no desire to join.

In January, we lost our first pregnancy, an experience I wrote about in this post. In April, we lost our second pregnancy. We had 2 losses back to back within 4 months and it was devastating.

I’ve always shared my life online and knew that part of finding purpose in the pain for me was to share openly about the little lives we lost. (This is definitely not for everyone.) Miscarriage is still an experience that carries social stigma and taboo, even though 1 in 4 known pregnancies end in loss. Many women feel pressure to grieve not just in privacy, but secrecy. We may know in theory we aren’t alone, but the experience can still be very lonely.

During both of my losses, we decided to let an inner circle of people into both our early pregnancy and our loss. It was good to excitedly tell a few people happy news before the sad news. When the sad news came, we felt supported by our people. While that was our personal choice and I did see it help, I’ve had several women reach out to me saying they’ve never shared their loss with anyone.

That’s why I wanted to write this post. No matter who you are, you know someone who has had a miscarriage. If you aren’t close with anyone who has had a loss yet, you will be in time. It is so common. If someone in your life is confiding in you about their loss, know that means they trust you. It’s a precious place to be, no matter if your friend is more open or more private.

Many friends and loved ones mean well, but if you haven’t been through it, you might feel a bit lost on what to say and what you can do. When you’re going through something hard, it’s difficult to name and ask for what you need. You’re a good friend and want to help, so I wanted to give you ideas for what may be a real blessing in this time.

From practical help to some sentimental gifts, I hope these suggestions spark your own ideas. The comments are also open to add anything I may have missed!

Hands-On Help

Meals and treats are always welcome. In both losses, I wasn’t sure if I needed full meals when people offered them. I was stocked up on easy freezer items for my kids and my appetite was so weird. But a friend dropped off the most delicious sourdough English muffins with raspberry jam and it was so freaking delicious and hit the spot on a really rough day. Gift cards to coffee, Doordash, Grubhub, or any other food service always come in clutch.

If they have other kids, offer help with childcare. This was huge both times. We have four adopted children and it’s difficult feeling like you don’t have the capacity to parent in the way you want to. Miscarriage is physically and emotionally draining. We had people generously offer to watch our kids during some medical appointments, a date night to connect, or just take them (mostly my school-aged kids) out for a little quality time. If you’re close enough to watch someone’s kids, that’s such a big help!

Something I thought about but didn’t have the guts to ask anyone for was help with cleaning my house and doing laundry. If you’re close enough where someone would accept help cleaning their bathroom and folding laundry, please offer that. What a gift! My husband is really on top of housework, but I drop the ball when grieving (and physically recovering). You could also buy a gift card to a professional cleaning service, whether your friend would want to use that during the miscarriage process or afterward to reset.

Company. For me, this was hit or miss. And a little different during different parts of my physical and emotional process. I needed some days where I just stayed home all day and cried. But sometimes, I needed someone to come and help fill up my days when I didn’t want to leave the house. One friend said, “even if you just need someone to scroll beside you on the couch while our kids play with each other, I'm here for it,” and that felt like true friendship.

Flowers. This may seem silly, but I had two friends give me flowers this second loss and it felt like such a little ray of sunshine to see them on my dining room buffet and have something to brighten my day.

Physical Gifts

Note: I am including some amazon affiliate links. I only do this when sharing products I’d already want to tell you about and it’s at no extra cost to you!

A few long-distance friends sent sweet gifts in the mail and the effort itself made me feel so loved. Care packages and traditional self-care gifts like bath bombs, lotions, candles, and chocolate are always lovely, even if you don’t use them at the moment. Anything specific to your person is welcome and the thought truly does count!

The number one gift I’d give to a friend going through a loss would be wool socks. All I wanted during my losses was to be cozy and I lived in my merino wool socks. Basic ones like these from Amazon are great or you could check out these. Hot packs are also clutch. I wanted mine constantly, not just for pain, but comfort. This heating pad is super cute too! A cozy blanket like this would be lovely. I bought myself a comfy lounge set during my first loss, but something like this or this would be great. This tea was really good and seemed to help with cramping and pain. I bought myself a Get Your Pink Back sweatshirt after my loss and I lived in that thing (still do).

There are good and thoughtful options for miscarriage-specific gifts. The company Brooksy Box has gift boxes for women at various stages of their motherhood journey from infertility and IVF to miscarriage to postpartum. This is such a cool concept for a business and I’m so glad it exists. I plan to support them in the future.

We were sent a beautiful custom painting of Jesus holding our baby from Little Oaks Studio by someone we used to go to church with who had experienced pregnancy loss. It’s framed now on our dresser and I love it. It took some time to arrive, but it was such a sweet piece of art to remember the little life. In general, anything custom is amazingly thoughtful. It shows intentionality. There are lots of artists on Etsy who will do custom pieces and they aren’t as expensive as you might think.

I found these rings from the shop Little Santi Designs on Tik Tok that I’m buying myself (and a friend) for Mother’s Day. You know so little about the baby you’ve lost. You usually don’t know the gender. You might not have a name. But you know their size at the week you lost them. These rings represent the different weeks your baby was when you miscarried. It’s such a cool company from a mom who has gone through loss. I have a gold bar necklace with my 5 (counting my bonus teen) kids’ birth flowers on it. I wanted some kind of jewelry to honor my losses but wasn’t sure if I’d want their due date month or when I lost them… and something specific to them felt more appropriate.

These books have encouraged me post-loss. Grace Like Scarlett by Adriel Booker is amazing for anyone who wants an encouraging Christian book for processing and grieving. It doesn’t spiritually bypass the suffering and pain women experience but leads them gently to Jesus. I’m halfway through and have cried every time I’ve sat down to read it. The devotional book Courageously Expecting by Jenny Albers is another one I read a bit while I was pregnant the second time and found it very encouraging.

Just be with them.

This Sunday, my pastor preached an excellent sermon on suffering. You can watch the full message here. He talked about how there is a difference between finding a purpose for pain versus a purpose in pain. One tries to explain why something terrible happened, one seeks to just be present and let Jesus meet us in those painful places. He spoke about how sometimes we need to stop talking and just feel the pain with people without trying to explain it away or assure them everything will all work out.

Often, this is what women who have experienced loss need: people to just be in it with them. We don’t need reminders of how the odds are in our favor for next time. We don’t need to be dismissed because it’s so common. We need to be met with kindness and empathy.

The best things you can do for a friend going through loss?

Listen.

Validate.

Meet them where they’re at.

They might not want to talk about it. They might experience deep depression afterward. They might have feelings of guilt or shame. They might feel like they went back to normal faster than they anticipated or the complete opposite. They might want people checking in with them and they might prefer to have some space. And those things might all change. Be patient. Be present.

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What would you add?

Whether you’ve gone through a miscarriage yourself or have had someone close to you let you in on their experience, I’d love to hear any other suggestions! What would you add? Would you co-sign on any of these ideas? Drop a comment below!